So I’m standing in front of the bathroom mirror. I get this crazy idea to plait my hair before running back downstairs to catch a particular reality show on cable TV.
Of course, those of us with nappy naps know it’s purely wishful thinking to say you’re going to comb your hair ‘quick’ because by the time you’re done spritzing water, working in moisturizer and detangling, the show done long time.
Anyway, half hour after I start, only one little section at the crown’s left to do. I’m working at break-neck speed here. If I can wrap up soon then I can catch the last half hour of the show.
A mind tell me to go stand by the bathroom door and look up. So I go stand by the bathroom door and look up. Over the bedroom window, like him just traipse in from outside, is a lizard. A light-brown one with big, black eyes. You know those? Yeah, one of those.
Now, hear what I want to know. Di bug screen ever lock. How him squeeze een?
Of course, I get bringle and ‘fraid same time.
While lizzy is touring the bedroom wall, I walk back inside the bathroom, then I walk back out and look pon him. I run downstairs and back upstairs to the bathroom, grabbing all the weaponry I can find: broom, Lysol spray, Raid roach spray, Ajax with bleach and if I had a samurai sword I woulda grab that too.
I go back in the bedroom. He knows I’ve seen him because him run go hitch up behind a curtain. I shift the curtain with the broomstick, and he runs behind a candle holder on the floor. I knock the candle holder with the broom, and he runs back up the wall to the ceiling.
From the other end of the bedroom, I look at him for a good while, planning the next move–and ‘fraid same time.
I go back inside the bathroom to finish combing my hair and to gather some guts. I step back out, hair combed and guts gathered (kinda).
I tek time push bed and everything out the way. Him stand up same way in the ceiling corner (same side as the window he entered through) in utter defiance. I get bringler. The mad, black woman in me is ready to charge.
I spritz him with Lysol and wait. Him cotch there same way. I spritz him with Raid and wait. Him cotch same way. I pace the floor and wait some more.
I go back inside the bathroom to gather more guts. I come back out, more guts gathered.
I spritz the Raid again. He drops off the wall–boof! Eww!!
He starts running away via floor. “Oh no, he didn’t!”
Well, let’s just say, I leggo the broom pon him.
Now I don’t want no animal-rights people calling me. It was self defense. And I’m sticking to that story.
As I recuperate from the trauma, I say to God, “God? You think exposing me to more lizards is going to make me not afraid of them?”
I answer my own question:
“If after 40-odd years, it not working, it not going work again.”
Catch yuh next time!
Peace and love,
Angie
Interesting notes for you:
- Bringle = very angry
- Een = in
Acknowledgements:
- Image of Wooden Sword is courtesy of anankkml at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Snapshots of Jamaican Living 